Teens and gangs – Is gentle parenting enough?

For teenagers, being part of a group contributes towards developing a sense of identity through which they can explore themselves and their needs, explains educational psychologist Gabriela Völkel from the Johannesburg Parent and Child Counselling Centre (JPCCC).

However, the case of the Luh Tweezy mob of teens, which made news for storming malls and causing chaos, has parents shocked and dumbfounded.

A group of about 30 to 40 teens, dressed similarly and displaying unruly behaviour (drug and alcohol abuse as well as fighting), led to serious injuries when Luh Twizzy stormed malls in Johannesburg.

The group had been banned at Montecasino for the same thing. The teens are doing a hazardous TikTok challenge called "trapping the mall", which adds to the growing trend of notorious social media challenges for teens.

The discourses that have come after this alarming incident include the dangerous influence of social media in their lives. Gentle or soft parenting is also being scrutinised, with the style questioned as to whether it is "sparing the rod and spoiling the child" as the modern-day proverb on the wisdom of discipline goes.

Fundamentals of raising a teen

There are dynamics to parenting. It is not a linear undertaking and parents can't be expected to be perfect all the time. However, JPCCC advocates parenting that is involved, caring and positive. "We would like to see parents being aware of, and in touch with, their children's behaviour as well as their feelings, difficulties and challenges," Gabriela says.

"Too often, we see parents who tend to give up on the role as soon as adolescence starts, feeling that they must give their children space and permission to do whatever they want or perhaps because they feel they can no longer control what they are doing. We remind all parents that until the age of 18, their children are their responsibility, and need them just as much during adolescence as they do as children."

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JPCCC says this means trying to maintain a balance between allowing teenagers some independence but also closely monitoring where they go, what they do and being aware of their needs and feelings.

"This requires a good relationship between teen and parent, where the teen feels able to share their troubles with their parent or caregiver. Caregivers should be able to set clear boundaries without feeling guilty but as the child gets older, they can become more involved in these boundaries and contribute to determining what is and isn't allowed.

While it is normal for the teen to increasingly seek out their peer group, this is not a licence for parents to simply drop their own role and allow them to do what they want," adds JPCCC.

Teens and social media

Experts agree that parents should be aware of, and monitor, teens' social media presence until they reach later adolescence.

Speaking to SABC news on the legal ramifications behind Luh Tweezy's actions, including being sued or criminally charged for teens 14 years and above, social media legal consultant Lerato Ntwampe emphasises that kids don't have a right to a smartphone - it is a privilege that comes with consequences and rules.

"Parents should have strict times where kids are allowed on their phones. They can use some apps to monitor their screen time. I also advise parents to follow their kids on social media. They need to see who their kids are following and what they're doing.

"The challenge is that kids may also have catfish social media platforms where they can get up to mischief and still maintain a clean profile with a clean reputation," Lerato says.

Dismantling soft parenting

The discourse around this ‘soft’ parenting style is on-going, showing both the benefits and limitations.

"The key is not to mistake soft parenting with permissive parenting or not having boundaries with your children, allowing them to do whatever they want," says counselling psychologist Nkateko Ndala-Magoro, from Pretoria Psychologists.

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"Contrary to popular belief, soft parenting incorporates boundaries and discipline. This style is built on respect, empathy, understanding and boundaries," Nkateko says.

"It is for this reason that we prefer to call it positive parenting. While it still allows for parents to adopt an interactive approach with their kids and encourages open communication, making choices and being receptive to their feelings and needs, it also understands the needs of the parents and encourages them to use boundaries and set goals with their kids," says JPCCC.

Nkateko adds, "One of the tools for parents raising teenagers using this style is to stay away from shaming your teen. Instead, use natural consequences."

A natural consequence could be a criminal record if the malls decide to lay charges. If your teen is in a questionable peer group, JPCCC advises that you reach out to your child and try to talk to them to understand their reasoning behind joining such a group. Then, encourage and allow for open and honest communication between parent and child.

"When considering the group or teen, consider what you are trying to communicate by demonstrating such behaviours. Try to understand that it could be a need to belong, identify as ‘something' or for acceptance. Find out what needs are trying to be fulfilled," says Gabriela, adding that if you're very concerned, therapy may be recommended if warranted.