- The article explores the challenges parents face in managing children's boundary-pushing behaviours as they seek independence and identity.
- Experts like clinical psychologist Mark de la Rey and educational psychologist Robyn Gordon emphasise the importance of guiding children towards respectful communication and understanding the reasons behind boundaries.
- Effective parenting combines setting clear limits with open discussions, helping children develop autonomy while learning crucial social skills and safety awareness.
Raising children is challenging at the best of times. From guiding them in the right direction to instilling sound morals and values, the journey of parenting demands sound judgment. Making it even more complicated, children tend to push boundaries in their behaviour, communication and sometimes even in their own relationships with their peers.
With today's busy lifestyle in mind, parents must let some degree of rebellion slide. But when is it considered necessary to put your foot down and let children know when they have crossed the line? We check in with the experts.
According to Mark de la Rey, a clinical psychologist, children go through different stages of development where they search for their unique identities and often test societal norms by pushing boundaries with their parents, other authoritative figures, and peers.
"This can take the form of the way in which they talk to their parents, their behaviour and even the way they conduct their relationships with their peers, be it romantic or otherwise," he says.
Pushing boundaries is how children learn.
"They are exposed to things their parents say are bad for them. More than likely, they will test this and learn for themselves that it is, in fact, bad for them," says De la Rey. Most parents can relate to this.
But when do parents stand their ground and set clear boundaries with their children?
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Children are going to talk back, and this can be considered rude. Think of when a child slams a door when confronted about their untidy bedroom. Almost every parent raising an adolescent has experienced this behaviour.
"Adolescents are in a developmental stage where they naturally test limits to assert independence, but parents have a responsibility to guide them toward respectful and effective interaction," explains Robyn Gordon, an educational psychologist. This teaches them important social skills, such as conflict resolution, self-regulation and empathy.
Mica Stern, the mother of three boys, draws the line when her children are rude to her. "I will not tolerate any of my boys showing disrespect to me or anyone else. If they do not like something, they must communicate it in an acceptable way," she says.
Have you ever heard of bunking class? This is a common way for children to push the boundaries at school.
Because they try to assert their independence and generally do not like being told what to do, they test authority by questioning rules, engaging in minor rule-breaking, or defying norms through language or behaviour. Disciplining children can only reinforce that sense of authority, whereas engaging with children to help them understand why the rules are in place can result in better outcomes.
"If a child challenges a school rule to understand fairness, parents might use these situations as teaching moments instead of disciplining," says Gordon.
Hila Jonker, who has two children, uses this approach as part of her parenting style. "I do discipline my kids, but I also have discussions with them, and I have seen how beneficial it is when they do something that is out of line," she says.
The same approach can apply when children experiment with social dynamics among their peers, taking risks to gain approval or avoiding responsibility in conflicts to assert control.
"These behaviours reflect their need to navigate autonomy while seeking belonging, and a gentler approach in addressing these situations could result in children's respect for the boundary," advises Gordon.
When it comes to relationships, children may experiment with flirting or discuss topics related to sexuality with peers as they develop a sense of self and navigate societal expectations. This makes them vulnerable to risky activities, peer pressure and inappropriate influences online.
"Intervening with clear communication, setting boundaries, and providing education about consent, respect, and safety helps adolescents in navigating their development responsibly," says Gordon.
She advises that adolescents need boundaries that provide structure during identity developmen,t while allowing room for independence and self-exploration. In addition, she says parents should communicate the reasons behind boundaries, involve their children in discussions about rules, and model respect and accountability.
