- Children and teenagers often employ emotional manipulation tactics to influence their parents and get desired outcomes, using methods like guilt, exaggeration, and even threats.
- Experts, including clinical psychologists, emphasise that understanding the motivations behind these behaviours can help parents address them more effectively and teach healthier communication skills.
- By recognising manipulation as a tool rather than a malicious act, parents can better navigate these situations and foster more positive relationships with their children.
Have you ever heard your child say things like, "I will look stupid if I wear my old school shoes," or "It's way too hot to clean my room?" These aren't just common excuses; they are emotionally manipulative devices used by children to try to outsmart authoritative figures to get what they want.
"The manipulator uses the victim's emotions like guilt or fear to achieve their (mostly selfish) desires. Most teenagers with high emotional intelligence are able to use this emotional manipulation skill on their parents," explains Philani Ndlovu, a clinical psychologist. These skills used by children, especially adolescents, enable them to make their parents feel negative emotions, which influences them into doing what their children want.
The way this can play out, Ndlovu says, is when a child or teen asks for a new item of clothing or something similar and when the parents say no for whatever reason, they are then made to feel guilty by retorts, such as, "What will people think of me if I don't have (the particular item being requested)" from the child or adolescent.
Sound familiar?
For Makhanda parent Ian Sieborger, this situation is best handled in a pragmatic manner and in a way that allows his 5-year-old daughter to feel like she is winning.
"When I don't think what she wants is a need for right now, we remind her that money doesn't grow on trees and suggest that she add it to her Christmas list," he explains. Admittedly, she has a very long Christmas list, he adds.
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Abigail Vardan, who teaches primary school children, says that manipulation happens often and at all ages. "They almost always use some form of manipulation when trying to get themselves out of trouble, for whatever reason," she explains.
Another common form of manipulation is when children use exaggeration. They will only tell parts of the story to exaggerate the specific details that they wish to highlight. "They will withhold or twist important components of the facts to manipulate their parents', guardians', and even teachers' perspective of a particular situation," says Ndlovu.
"This is a very common manipulation tactic used by children and even some parents. It is used to maximise the point they are trying to make to get what he or she needs," says clinical psychologist Mark de la Rey.
Roxanne Munro, who has a 7-year-old son with Autism, says that the manipulation comes from a place of innocence. "My son omits parts of a story when he feels he is at fault, so it stems from his need to make things right again," she says.
Coercive manipulation is another way that children use manipulation. Teenagers mainly use it. "Here, they mostly use threats of self-harming or harming others (emotional or physical) to obtain power over the authoritative figures. Sometimes, they would even starve themselves to gain power to do things on their way," says Ndlovu.
Lebang Kgosana is a busy mom, raising six children and working in the media industry. "As a proud mother, believe me when I say I have seen all kinds of manipulation used at all times of the day! Kids are very clever; they analyse their parents and see what works and what doesn't work," she says.
Dealing with manipulation from anyone can be challenging, but it can be done, even if the manipulator is your child. The problem is not the manipulation itself but rather the reason why children resort to using this tool as a means to get what they want, claims De la Rey.
"We should be teaching our children better ways of getting their needs met and try to understand what is behind the manipulation, as opposed to only seeing manipulation as a nefarious technique."
In addition, parents need to be aware that when they are manipulated, their emotions run high. "Parents are advised to afford themselves some time to regulate their emotions so that they can think logically instead of acting based on their emotions," advises Ndlovu.
