There comes a time in life when you need more than the support from your close friends. You start craving support from your mother figure but opening up isn’t always as easy.
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In a heart-to-heart with TRUELOVE, clinical psychologist Lerato Diale and registered counsellor Lesedi Mataboge unpack how to build a deeper, more honest connection with your mother or a mother figure.
Cause of communication barriers
Communication barriers show up in all kinds of relationships and, according to Lerato, it often comes down to how people perceive emotional openness. Think of the times you had to think twice before sharing something or covering up certain emotions with other emotions.
Lerato notes the reasons behind these communication barriers.
“For some, it requires vulnerability—an exposure that can bring feelings of discomfort, fear of being misunderstood, or even judgment. Consequently, adolescents often exhibit ineffective communication, avoiding emotional disclosure or expressing emotions in maladaptive ways.”
On the other hand, Lesedi points out how many parents still see their children just as kids, often overlooking the fact that they’re growing people with their own thoughts, personalities and lived experiences.
“Children grow up to have their own voices and agency over their lives and it’s often hard adjusting to that as a parent.
A helpful tip for parents? Start by truly listening without interrupting or correcting, it’s a small shift in acknowledging their own agency in their lives.
“Of course, as children grow, they’ll face experiences that they’re unsure how to handle. If parents create space early on by being emotionally available and proactive in starting those conversations, the child learns that it’s okay to reach out when they need support or guidance,” Lesedi shares.
Culture within family relationships
In many ways, we become the people who raised us. Most of us learn how to parent from our own parents and they do the same, drawing from how they were brought up.
“This reliance on previous parenting models is deeply rooted in the anxiety and uncertainties that comes with the responsibility of raising a child. While parenting is a source of joy and fulfilment, it is also accompanied by self-doubt, as parents constantly question whether they are making the right decisions or meeting the expectations of being ‘good parents,” Lerato notes.
We can’t ignore the environments we grew up in as they become learned behaviours. Despite this, Lesedi urges that we pause and ask ourselves which conditioning still serves us and which we are ready to change.
Tips for mother figures and children
To work on this change, Lerato and Lesedi offer helpful advice:
- Letting go of rigid labels: Lesedi offers a fluid approach that includes seeing the parent and child relationship as something that is evolving.
- Set healthy boundaries: Lesedi emphasises how this doesn’t mean rejecting your mother’s care or shutting her out. It means making you loved one aware of where you currently stand emotionally, mentally, or practically and how you’d prefer to navigate that space.
- Understand that hierarchical differences will still be present: Lerato notes how one shouldn’t see these differences as obstacles but rather as essential components of the relationship.
- Contribute equally to the relationship: Both individuals should contribute to a meaningful connection in the same way.
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