We’ve all had that moment when one small thing pushes us right over the edge: ‘Dishes left piling up in the sink. Too much time spent scrolling social media when we long for quality time. A big decision made solo instead of together. That tone of voice that makes us feel stupid.
The past transgression that refuses to leave the room. The cycle of judgement towards each other that underscores and inflames a banal interaction. The political conversation that leaves us screaming, “How can you think that way?!”
‘In all of these situations, our hyper-focus on the content of our arguments leaves us spiralling into escalation,’ says Belgian psychotherapist and renowned relationship expert Esther Perel.
You might blame that towering pile of dishes for your fight, but more often than not there’s a deeper issue that drives escalation.
Let’s say you get into bed at night and your partner barely looks up from his phone. You’re not actually triggered by the fact that he is doomscrolling again – you’re triggered because you experience it as neglectful.
Or if your wife goes to brunch with her friends every Saturday but you haven’t had a date night for months because ‘she’s too busy’. That might trigger your insecurity: Does she not want to be with you? Are you not enough for her?
‘These triggers act as a funnel to our sense of abandonment and failure,’ Perel says. ‘And when these triggers compound over time, it creates a lens through which we view every interaction.’
Once you start thinking your partner doesn’t care, you will start seeing everything they do through that lens, and interpreting all their actions as negative.’
WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?
So what can you do? First of all, take a breath and think about it: what is really going on? ‘It’s not what you are fighting about, it’s what you are fighting for,’ Perel says.
According to psychologist and couples therapy researcher Howard Markman, the vast majority of the fights couples have come down to just three underlying interpersonal issues:
1. POWER AND CONTROL
‘Who makes the decisions; who has the power; whose priorities matter more?’ That is what lies at the heart of these arguments. ‘Who gets to say “I” when the other person then has to say “we”?’ Perel asks. This might come to a head in one of these ways:
◗‘You undermine me with the kids.’
◗‘We only have sex when you want to.’
◗‘You’re always making weekend plans without consulting me.’
◗‘You spent a lot of money on a new car, and you didn’t even talk to me about it.’
2. CARE AND CLOSENESS
In this case, it comes down to: ‘Do you have my back? Can I trust you? Will you be there for me?’ But that might come up in a fight as:
◗ ‘You’re always going out with your friends but we never spend any time together.’
◗ ‘I am always the one who initiates sex.’
◗ ‘When your mother criticises me, you don’t stand up for me.’
◗ ‘You always go to your brother for advice.’
3. RESPECT AND RECOGNITION
This is all about feeling seen. ‘Do you value me? Do you recognise my contributions? Do I matter?’ And that might show up as:
◗ ‘I spent all day cleaning the house and you didn’t even notice.’
◗ ‘I have asked you a million times not to leave your dirty dishes in the sink.’
◗ ‘You don’t acknowledge my achievements.’
◗ ‘You were out for hours and you didn’t tell me where you were going or when you’d be home.’
The next time you see red, ask yourself what you’re reacting to. If someone else did the same thing to you, would you be just as angry? Probably not. ‘You are reacting to something that you’re experiencing internally,’ Perel says. There is a story that you’ve been telling yourself, a belief that makes you interpret the other person’s behaviour in a negative way.
What you also need to realise is that although it feels very real to you, this perception is not an absolute truth. It’s a reflection of what you are feeling in that moment. ‘A lot of what is presented as fact is actually an intensification of someone’s experience.
‘At some point, it doesn’t matter whether it’s money, your mother-in-law, the children or sex – the fights will all look alike because the form precedes the content, and what really hurts is not the specific item but the feeling that the other person doesn’t care, that you don’t matter, that you’re not important, that you were overlooked.’
ARGUMENT PATTERNS
If you look at the way a fight normally plays out, you will notice that there are some recurring elements that crop up time and again. Let’s look at this argument that someone sought Perel’s advice on: ‘Once in a while, I’m late, and my boyfriend takes it so personally. I can understand why he gets upset, but he blows it way out of proportion. This triggers our biggest fights. How can I convince him it’s not about him?’ – Paul
There are so many dynamics at play here, Perel says. First of all, there’s the idea that Paul gets to decide that his boyfriend’s response is disproportional, and that he shouldn’t be hurt by his actions.
‘I suggest that you not think of yourself as the person who has the right measurement stick on what is worthy of being upset about and what is not. It never bodes well.’
1. CONFIRMATION BIAS
‘There’s something that we do in relationships that is really fascinating, and we call it confirmation bias,’ Perel says.
This is the first thing we do when we fight: We gather evidence that backs up our point of view, and we disregard everything that points to the contrary. At some point, Paul’s boyfriend came to the conclusion that when Paul is late, he is doing it on purpose, most likely because he doesn’t care about him or he doesn’t respect him, because Paul knows how much it upsets him and he keeps doing it.
‘The way confirmation bias works is that I am going to pick up evidence along the way of everything that’s going to confirm to me that what I believe is actually true, and I’m going to disregard any evidence that’s going to challenge it and make me want to reconsider.’
So it doesn’t matter that Paul tried his utmost to be on time, or that Paul hasn’t kept him waiting at any point in the past week. In this moment, none of that matters.
And even though Paul may assure him that he didn’t do it on purpose, and of course he respects him, he won’t believe a word of it.
‘Why would we rather think that the other person doesn’t love us than be relieved by learning that that’s not the case?’ Perel asks.
A fair question, right? Why do we jump to the worst-case conclusion?
‘Confirmation bias gives us order. It gives me a sense that “I know what’s true” – and even if what’s true sucks, I still prefer to think that that’s what’s true because at least it organises my reality.’
2. FUNDAMENTAL ATTRIBUTION ERROR
Another element that comes into play is fundamental attribution error. This is when we see our own flaws as excusable and attribute them to the situation, whereas our partner’s flaws come down to a personality flaw of some kind.
So, in this case, when you are late, it’s because you have a lot going on and there was traffic on the way. It’s circumstantial. ‘But if your partner is late, it’s because they are disrespectful. It’s because they don’t care about you. It’s because they don’t understand the notion of time. It’s because they are selfish. It’s because they’re narcissistic… You name it.’
We are very quick to leap to this conclusion, Perel says: ‘Yours is circumstantial; theirs is characterological.’
3. NEGATIVE ESCALATION CYCLE
The inevitable third step is the negative escalation cycle: We incite the very behaviour that we took issue with, and before long you are caught up in a screaming match.
The good news is that awareness is the first step toward change. Once you can name the pattern — whether it’s a fight about power, care, or recognition — you can step outside the argument and ask the question that actually matters: What am I I fighting for? Behind every heated exchange is an unmet need, and that need is almost always the same: to feel valued, to feel close, to feel chosen. The dishes, the phone, the date night you never had — they’re just the door. What you’re really asking for, when all is said and done, is to know that you matter to the person you chose to build a life with. And that, underneath every fight, is worth fighting for.
