It's so often depicted as a fairytale -you meet your soulmate, fall in love,get married and live happily ever after.It's destiny.Except it isn't, really. We know thatmarriage is hard work. In fact, it'ssomething every couple in a committed relationship, married or not, canattest to.
Those lovey-dovey photos posted onsocial media are only a small part of thereality. Because who posts pics of thedaily grind and all the struggles andcompromise that get you to the pointwhere you're celebrating 15, 20 or 30years together? "For every picture I've posted of uslooking happy and in love, there havebeen countless moments of annoyance,irritation and disagreement," saysNicole*, who's just celebrated her 17thwedding anniversary.
She and her husband, Owen*, parentsto two teenage boys, describe their marriage as happy and fulfilling, despite the fact they went through such a roughpatch several years ago they landed upin couples therapy. "We were bickering all the time, aboutthe silliest things," says Nicole (43) ofCape Town.
"There came a point whereI wondered, 'Is this what our marriage isgoing to be like from now on? Do I wantthis?'" "We were stressed and on edge. We'dboth been working really hard," Owen(45) says. "And we'd been so focused onthe kids for such a long time we just kindof drifted apart."
They felt disconnected from each other, Nicole says, and it scared her becauseit made her wonder if they were reallymeant for each other. What couples therapy helped her realise is that experiencing a major wobble doesn't mean yourmarriage is unhappy and doomed to fail.
"A happy marriage isn't one where younever have problems," Nicole says. "It'sone where you choose to prioritise eachother and are on the same page abouthow to deal with those problems." Owen agrees. "We realised we had todecide what was important. We couldchoose to keep letting stress make us irritable with each other, to keep puttingthe kids first and not make time for us asa couple, to keep living past each other.It's all about choice."
Experts agree: a happy marriage is a choice. It doesn't happen automaticallyand it doesn't come without effort, attention and conscious decisions.So, what can you do to tip the scales inthe right direction? We asked a few experts for advice.
Ditch the idea of the 'perfect partner'
There's no such thing as the "perfectspouse" - it's an illusion, says Louis Venter, a couples therapist from Randburg,Johannesburg. And it's an illusion thatcan cause a lot of pain and suffering in amarriage because it results in expectations that aren't always realistic.
You might think if your partner lovesyou they should know what's upset youand what they need to do to fix it - without you telling them. But this is reallyjust expecting your partner to read yourmind. "The perfect partner is the person whochooses to stay with you through thepain, hurt and emotional upheaval thatis part and parcel of marriage until youcan get back to a space of understandingand empathy as a couple," Venter says.
Do a bit of introspection
If you want a good marriage you need tochoose to be a good partner and teammate, says Shelley Lewin, a couples therapist and life coach from Cape Town.
"Make sure you're dependable, communicate well and honour your commitments. A good partnership begins withyou," she explains.Venter agrees regular self-evaluation isimportant, especially during the toughtimes. "When there's a problem in yourmarriage, say, 'Yes, this or that annoys orbothers me, but what's my part in this?'"
Self-awareness - knowing what yourstrengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilitiesand fears are - will help you be a betterpartner.
Check-in with each other - often
We're used to being evaluated at work,but how often do couples take time toreflect on how their relationship is going? When was the last time you askedyour partner, "How are we doing?" or "Isthere anything you're unhappy with?" Doing this is about taking ownershipof your bond, says Esther Perel, relationship therapist and author of The State ofAffairs: Rethinking Infidelity.
"It alsogives you a sense of what you can do better and if your goals are still aligned. These conversations can be uncomfortable and may still be even after 10years together. But you want to havethem as best you can. If you talk throughthe discomfort, your connection will bestrengthened."
Ask for what you want
Couples who last ask for what they want. "They make requests instead of complaints," Perel says. This means if youwant to spend more time with your partner, you should refrain from nagging orsaying things such as, ‘You never spendtime with me.' Instead, you should say, 'Let's do something tomorrow night -just the two of us.'
We complain because it protects usfrom the vulnerability of openly statingwhat we need and possibly not gettingthat need met. But that vulnerability ispart of being a grown-up in an intimaterelationship, Perel says.
Act like you're in love
In any long-term relationship therecomes a time when the rose-tinted glasses of romance come off. In the early daysyou're focused on each other, but as timegoes on it's natural that you'll becomemore focused on other things, such asyour job, raising kids and running ahousehold, Lewin says.
"That feeling of being in love comesand goes," says Arie Roos, a life coachfrom Pretoria. He suggests this littletrick: "If you don't feel in love, act as ifyou are - you'll be surprised at howquickly the feeling returns." Find the feeling again by thinkingabout good times you had together inthe early days.
It might even inspire youto make time to do those things again.People in happy marriagesmake time for each other,Roos says, and it's a bigpart of how they ensurethey don't drift apart.
See the value in your differences
Opposites do indeed attract, Roos says. But thosedifferences you found sothrilling in the early daysoften become the thingsthat get on your nerves astime goes by.The important thing isnot to let your partner'shabits, moods and quirksbecome things to argueabout.
You're not going to change them, solearn to let it go.And when it comes to different perspectives on things, let their point ofview help you to look at things in another light. "Use your differences to each other'sadvantage and to the benefit of the marriage," Roos says.
"For example, the realist can use thedreamer's flights of fancy as inspiration.And the dreamer can use the realist'ssober logic to filter out the best dreams, and focus on those."
Don't fear conflict
You shouldn't be afraid of conflict, because sometimes that's the only way youcan solve issues, Roos says. "But don't letyour emotions get the upper hand. Be respectful towards each other." Also, address issues as they arise rather than ignoring them in the hope they'llgo away, Lewin says, adding that yourfocus should be on understanding ratherthan blame.
"Ask each other questions. Try to understand your partner's point of viewand why they feel a certain way. There'sno point in blaming each other. Youshould rather try to figure out what eachof you could be doing differently." How you handle feeling unhappy inyour marriage is also your choice, Lewinsays.
"You can address your unhappiness,explain what's causing it and try to improve your communication, or you canchoose to remain unhappy. But thatwon't solve the problem."
*Not their real names
