If you've always had trouble saying no to people, chances are you're in a world of pain right now. This pandemic is leading to all sorts of tricky situations where things quickly become awkward.
Take social occasions, for instance. You're invited to a braai with a small group of family and friends but you're really not ready to mix socially, preferring to stay safe at home in your cocoon. You want to say no but there's just so much pressure.
"It will break Mom's heart if you don't show up," you're told. "Seeing you will go a long way towards lifting everyone's spirits," they say.
And if you're a people-pleaser, you'll be full of guilt and torment. You don't want to cause offence, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and so you usually end up doing what other people want - even if it leaves you full of fear and resentment.
But it's time to start asking yourself why you're so accommodating, says author and self-help podcaster Natalie Lue, who calls herself a recovering people-pleaser.
"When we get honest about the ‘why' behind our actions, it becomes clear how unhealthy it is [to be a people-pleaser]," she says. "The ‘why' could be because we're trying to control how others perceive us, or because we feel afraid, obliged and guilty."
But no one is born a people-pleaser, says Durban-based counselling psychologist Rakhi Beekrum. It's a coping mechanism - albeit an unhealthy one - learnt over time, she explains.
"The habit of people-pleasing is often shaped by pleasing our parents from a young age for fear of disappointing them, or avoiding someone being angry with us, giving us the silent treatment or criticising us."
For others, it might be a pattern they fell into in an attempt to be more likeable, says Dr Louise Olivier, a Pretoria-based clinical psychologist.
"People who have poor self-esteem often become people-pleasers because they feel inadequate and [that] if they keep the focus on the needs of others they'll be accepted more easily."
The coronavirus pandemic, Olivier says, comes with so many new opportunities to feel stressed out and anxious - especially for those who have trouble asserting themselves.
Boundary-setting can be scary, especially when you're confronted with strong, won't-take-no-for-an-answer people. But the pandemic is also the perfect time to practise making your own feelings a priority. Here's how to get started.
Set boundaries
Before you begin to set boundaries with others, you need to know what your boundaries actually are, advises Dr Ilene Cohen, a US-based psychotherapist.
"Many people-pleasers are confused about where their boundaries lie and what their own thoughts are about important issues."
When it comes to the coronavirus, boundary-setting means becoming aware of what you believe is safe or unsafe at this time, Beekrum says.
"For example, what are experts saying about the virus and the best prevention methods. Looking up the facts or talking to an objective, nonjudgmental person can help to keep you informed on how to best protect yourself and your family," she advises.
"Keep in mind that your personal boundaries are about what feels right for you. They can be fluid and change as the virus' impact changes."
Communicate clearly
Once you're clear about what you feel is safe and unsafe, you can openly communicate your limits to others, Beekrum advises. Although she admits this is easier said than done, the key is to work on managing your own anxiety - rather than other people's.
"Be as clear and straightforward as possible. Remember, you don't need to defend your choices or overly apologise for them."
Olivier recommends using what she terms "gift wrapping" if friends and family try to push you into socialising.
So for instance, if a beloved family member keeps asking you to come round and you don't want to hurt their feelings, say something like: "You're my favourite nephew and I love to visit you because you're special to me. But I'm not going to come and see you now in order to allow us to be safe so we can visit each other in the future."
Cohen adds that while we're often able to easily assert ourselves with strangers, friends and family can emotionally overwhelm us. She suggests being prepared for the blowback and rehearsing our reactions.
"If you know a particular person might trigger you or get upset when you set boundaries, come up with a plan of action. Before you get emotional, thoughtfully work out how you might respond and exit the conversation if it gets overwhelming. It's hard to think clearly when you're nervous and in the moment."
Accept that you may sometimes disappoint people
The people who push back about your choices most likely mean well; they probably miss seeing you and are responding to the pressures of the pandemic in their own way, Olivier says.
"Repression is also a common human defence mechanism - this is what many people are doing by still socialising and pretending everything is normal.
"So, if people try to press you to socialise, they aren't necessarily trying to put you at risk deliberately. Their defence mechanism is just working overtime and allowing them to put themselves at risk."
What's more, Lue adds, choosing to assert yourself can help lift the lid on the toxic relationships in your life.
"Any negative reaction you receive - guilt trips, pouting - will illuminate the truth about some of your relationships," she says. "If someone loses it with you because you said no, it's a sign that your ‘no' was very overdue and necessary."
Despite the repercussions, you shouldn't feel ashamed of making decisions that are consistent with your values in life, Beekrum says.
"If the health and safety of you and your loved ones are a top priority then be clear that your decisions are to protect yourself and others. Know what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with doing, while respecting that others may make different choices."
Consider yourself a work in progress
You may not quash your people-pleasing habits within a day, a week or even a month, but it doesn't mean you should give up.
Beekrum recommends starting off by saying no to smaller things - and with those who are easier to say no to - then building from there.
For instance, your partner has made a cake they're really proud of and keeps urging you to have a second slice. You don't want to - so say no. Try this: "It was delicious but I'm so full now! I'd rather save it for tomorrow - that way I'll have something to look forward when I break for tea."
"The more you practise saying no, the easier it will become," Beekrum says. "Be gentle with yourself and you'll eventually see the benefits."
People-pleasing is ultimately an act of deception, Lue says, and the goal should be striving to live a more authentic life.
"Not only do people-pleasers mask their needs and feelings, but they're essentially lying to themselves and others. These falsehoods damage the integrity of close relationships."
She encourages us to push through our fear and be transparent. This way, she says, we'll reduce anxiety and stress, and enjoy increased agency in our lives.
And remember, she adds: the sky won't fall down when we say no when we need, should or want to.
