MY HUSBAND IS MAKING OUR LIVES ONE LONG MISERY
I've known my husband for eight years. We've been married for four and have a four-year-old child. Before we got married, we had a long-distance relationship for those four years and I realise now that I didn't really get to know him very well. I feel as if we're living a lie.
My husband is extremely jealous and anti-social. He has no hobbies or friends other than obsessing over me and what I do - he even has a problem with me visiting my mom once a week and with me seeing my own brother. He asks weird questions like why I want to see my brother when I'm a married woman.
He's usually locked up in his room and says our child irritates him and that he prefers to be alone. But he also has a problem when we do things by ourselves. As long as we're all at home and sulking, he's fine.
He has a problem with every male relative, which leads to lots of fights. He wasn't an involved father, so our child doesn't like him very much. There are fewer fights now that he's stopped drinking alcohol but our family life and marriage aren't what I want.
I considered divorce but can't afford it. He claims to love me and says he cannot imagine life without me. I feel trapped. What should I do?
Kirsty, email
DR LOUISE'S ADVICE
Your husband has a serious problem. The fact that he isolates himself from others, has no hobbies or friends, is obsessively jealous and has these weird ideas about family attests to that. You won't be able to live with this for an extended time. And he's setting an extremely bad example for your child.
The fact that he says he loves you but behaves the way he does shows he has an abnormal concept of love - love is trust and comfort, it's enjoying life together and giving each other the freedom to grow as much as you can.
You're living in a prison of your husband's making. You have two choices. You can leave immediately, or you can tell your husband that you're no longer willing to carry on like this and that he needs to go to therapy if he wants to save your marriage. Make it clear that if he isn't willing to do so, you will divorce him.
It's not clear whether your family knows the full extent of what your husband is putting you through, but I'm sure they'll help you find a place to stay and support you.
I'VE HAD THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE
My wife told me last night that she wants a divorce as she's fallen in love with someone else. She's never before given me any idea that she was unhappy in our marriage and our sex life was great. Does this mean she's just pretended all these years?
She says she met this man a year ago and that they started an affair soon after they met.
How can someone be so devious? How can she laugh and make love to me when she's in love with someone else and having an affair with him? I feel as if I don't know my wife at all anymore, as if an alien has suddenly taken her place. What should I do?
Kenneth, email
DR LOUISE'S ADVICE
Some people are able to compartmentalise their lives and this allows them to be in the moment and not let what they're doing influence other parts of their lives.
The problem is that when people do this, they don't really get in touch with their emotions. They're able to compartmentalise because they put their feelings about things aside, and simply ignore them. So your wife believing that she's in love with this other man may also not be real.
Can she really love him that much if she's still enjoying sex with you and being so intimate with you as well? Perhaps your wife is a bit confused about her feelings and needs some time to sort herself out.
If you love her, consider giving her some time to do this. Perhaps she needs to be with the other guy to see if she really loves him. This will take some patience and fortitude on your part, because your first instinct will be to either try to get her back or push her away (and grant the divorce).
It all depends on whether you still see a future with her or not.
DOES HE HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES?
I've been dating a very nice guy for three years. We tell each other that we love one another and we really enjoy each other's company. But so far he's given no indication at all whether he has any long-term plans with regard to our relationship.
He's a businessman and due to the pandemic and its ramifications he's had a difficult time financially. I'm not sure if that's what's bothering him in terms of discussing our future.
I love him, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time with someone who has commitment issues. What should I do?
Riana, email
DR LOUISE'S ADVICE
The pandemic has made things very difficult for many business owners - not only from a cash flow point of view, but also in terms of anxiety about the future of their business and whether it's sustainable long-term. Everybody hoped that by this time in 2021 the problem would be over, but Covid still lingers and will have an effect on our lives for some time to come.
It's difficult for anybody who has their own business to make future plans at present. Many are just in survival mode. So his reluctance to talk about your future together may very well be because he's concerned about finances.
Although we all need to continue with our lives, we also have to be realistic about what life is like right now. Give it a little more time. Hopefully life returns to some kind of normality sooner rather than later.
If you love him, just be there for him in the meantime. You'll know when the time is right to talk about your future.
Write to Dr Louise, PO Box 39410, Moreletapark 0044, or email info@drlouise.co.za.
