We've been together with my man for five yearsnow. Staying together during the lockdown is proving quite challenging. I findthat we fight more often, and we get frustrated when we don't resolve issues onthe same day.
We've been taught that it's very bad for yourrelationship to go to bed without resolving conflict. And when we do so, we nowfind issues piled up on top of the other.
Read more: "Itell my mother everything about my marriage but my husband is against it"
Is it okay to have some of our disagreementsgo unresolved? Can we still have a healthy relationship in spite of theunresolved issues?
Managingmarital conflict: Solvable and unsolvable problems
Coronavirus restrictions involve couples tospend more time together even if they don't feel like it. We're now gettingused to this new normal, that of being in each other's faces 24/7 with nowhereto go, where couples have very little room to breathe from the unresolved issues that may have long beenplaguing their relationships.
This period willalso bring up new issues you may have never known to exist as they were hiddenby the rhythm of your pre-Covid-19 era. Being on each other's face day andnight, couples are most likely left without any of the backdoors through whichthey usually escape from unpleasant situations. Unable to avoid the problemsanymore, couples typically run headlong into them, and the results are prettymuch what you'd expect.
Probably one of the most commonly taught andoften misunderstood pieces of marital advice that we hear before gettingmarried is "never go to bed angry". This is somehow interpreted in manymarriages as though you can't go to bed with conflict unresolved.
Read more: "CanI trust my man who has cheated before?"
The consequence of the incorrect exegesis ofthat advice are that many couples understand it to mean whatever conflict theyface on a given day, they must not sleep without resolving it. As a result theygo into marriage expecting that any problem that comes up within therelationship has to be solved before bedtime. However, they get very frustratedas reality teaches them the practical impossibility of that notion.
SolvableProblems
A solvable problem within a relationship isabout something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and theremay not be any deep-seated meaning or need behind each partner's position.
If your spouse's responsibilities in thehousehold, for example, are not being managed due to the increase in work responsibilities,then this is a solvable problem. With healthy communication, you can find amutually agreed solution.
Amongst solvable problems, finding creativesolutions and learning to work together to adopt new standards, values andstrategies that address each of our needs doesn't always come quickly. Thoughsome solvable issues seem less difficult, even petty at times, they aresometimes better left for the "morning" when we have rested, collected ourthoughts and calmed our minds. With time, often comes perspective.
Read more: "He'sthreatening to send our sex tape to my family if I don't take him back"
Important to note though is that solvableproblems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could beunsolvable problems for a different couple.
UnsolvableProblems
Patricia and Trevor (not their real names)argue about household chores, for example. "I've been unhappy withTrevor's messiness for some time," complains Pat.
"I've asked him to be more considerate ofmy needs and put his clothes away, but things don't appear to be changing. Itfeels like I'm at the bottom of his list."
Read more: 'My girlfriend wants to be with me and her ex -what do I?'
To this Trevor laments: "Pat puts toomuch focus on neatness and misses the big picture. Most guys are slobs and Ithink I'm doing just fine."
The common thread in these statements is thiscouple's focus on "fixing" the other person rather than on takingspecific actions to change their part in a relationship dynamic that isundesirable.
In the follow-up session, we had both of themmake a list of their priorities and non-negotiable deal breakers.Interestingly, Pat decided she could tolerate Trevor's messiness as long as hecontinued to do his own laundry and take his shirts to the cleaners.
On the other hand, Trevor felt that he couldlive with Jena's complaints about his messiness if she could find ways tocompliment him more for his nice qualities, such as being a good cook andsupportive partner.
Resolving marital conflict can be a longprocess that may even last for as long as the relationship itself. Never fallfor the trap of believing that you can't be happy if you can't resolve some ofyour disagreements.
It is not the presence of conflict thatstresses a relationship; it is the manner in which you, as a couple respond.Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriagethriving. Couples can live with unsolvable differences about ongoing issues intheir relationship as long as they aren't deal breakers.
What is even more significant than solvingproblems is ensuring that as a couple, you have a shared system of meaningunderpinning your marriage. Developing a shared vision for your marriage, aswell as the emotional intelligence and skills for managing conflict is far moresignificant than any resolution of conflict.
When your marriage is characterised by a sharedmeaning, any conflict is inevitably less intense. And you are likely tomaintain focus on what's important, the bigger picture, without avoiding theconflict.
