It's a fear that many parents face when they send their child out on a sleepover with a friend - the dread and anxiety that something bad will happen to them while they're away.
Careful checking and vetting of the friend's family often provides peace of mind. But as one Cape Town couple recently discovered, there's no way to be 100% sure of what dangers lurk in the shadows.
At the age of eight Dani l Jamneck became another horrendous statistic after he was found dead in a bed at his friend's home in Kraaifontein. He'd been sexually assaulted and strangled, allegedly by his friend's father, a 47-year-old man who'd been accused of rape in 2005.
He was not prosecuted after he was placed on a three-year sexual offences diversion programme, but reportedly checked himself out of the state rehabilitation programme after only three months.
His victim in that case, now a 38-year-old businesswoman who prefers not to be named, told the Sunday Times no one had informed her he'd absconded. He'd allegedly spiked her drink then raped her.
The man, whose identity has been withheld to protect his son, has since been arrested and faces murder and new rape charges.
Dani l's parents had no inkling of any of his past when they agreed to let their boy stay in the man's home. They'd come to know him as an upstanding member of the community - he was a trusted neighbourhood watch member for several years.
His tragic case has once again ignited the debate around making the national register of sex offenders (NRSO) public.
"If the register is made available to the public, we'd have a better idea of offenders of child rape and abuse to try and unmask and remove them from society," says Kaylynn Palm from civil rights group Action Society.
The NRSO is a confidential database showing the names of people who were convicted of, or alleged to have been guilty of, committing a sexual offence against a child or a person who is mentally disabled.
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Earlier this year, cabinet approved a bill to broaden its scope to not only protect children and mentally disabled persons, but all vulnerable groups.
The list can be accessed only by schools, crèches, hospitals and employers in the private sector to ensure offenders aren't hired to work with children and mentally disabled people.
Those wanting to access it require a clearance certificate from the department of justice and constitutional development, which is responsible for the register.
It's a criminal offence for anyone to disclose or publish information contained in the register, according to the department of justice. But child advocacy groups say everyone should have access because it will help parents better protect their children.
Many are against that, however. "If it's made available to all, it might lead to the abuse of people," says criminal defence attorney William Booth.
There is a way to manage the risk, says Professor Gerard Labuschagne, a clinical psychologist and former SAPS head profiler.
"If made publicly accessible, a person searching the register should leave a digital footprint and there should be severe punishment for misusing it," he says.
Strict criteria for logins using ID numbers, for example, could ensure users can be traced.
Making it public is justifiable, Labuschagne believes.
"Especially in light of SAPS' inability to curb such offences and the department of correctional service's inability to monitor them once out on parole.
There are currently 39 521 names on the National Register for Sex Offenders. Of these, 31 582 are confirmed and 7 939 are pending because they're possibly awaiting final court decisions related to conviction or sentencing.
TIPS TO MAKE YOUR CHILD SAFER
Worrying about leaving young children with other people is normal, whether they're family or friends. Here experts offer tips to increase safety levels.
- Get to know the person first. "You don't only need to know the person, but you also need to trust them," says clinical psychologist and child specialist Dr Jenny Rose from Cape Town.
- Visit their home a few times with your child. This allows you to assess the setup and determine if the environment is safe.
- Observe how they interact with your child and how your child interacts with them. "If the person displays overly familiar behaviour to your child or makes them uncomfortable in any way, it should raise concerns," says Fred Schouwink, an educational psychologist from Johannesburg.
- Do a background check. "It can be useful to ask other people about their experience of leaving their child with this person," Schouwink says.
- Keep in touch. Maintain open communication with your child while they're away and address any concerns you or they might have. "When it comes to your children's safety, it's always better to err on the side of caution," he advises.
- Make other arrangements. "If you're not comfortable with your child sleeping out, suggest alternative arrangements like a playdate at a neutral location," Schouwink explains.
HOW DO I CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR MY CHILD?
Parents have every right to be protective, but have to balance this with the child's need to develop in a healthy way, experts say.
- Talk about consent. Teach your children about their boundaries and bodies using age-appropriate terms. Teach them the difference between safe and unsafe touch and clarify what constitutes appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. "This isn't a quick conversation before they leave your home, but rather a repeated conversation about the boundaries of their bodies," Rose explains.
- Teach your child about bodily integrity. "If you or a family member asks your child for a kiss or a hug and they decline, do not force them," says Setu Krutani-Mtakati, a clinical psychologist from Makhanda. "This teaches them that adults can cross boundaries too. Respecting their boundaries helps them become better at assessing inappropriate interactions."
- Find out how they're feeling. "Ask if they're comfortable being away from home and whether they know what's appropriate in terms of sleeping arrangements," Rose suggests.
- Have a plan for if they feel unsafe. Develop an action plan that involves contacting you immediately. If they're afraid and don't want to say much, teach them a neutral codeword.
- Keep communication lines open. Let your child know they can approach you with any problems or issues without fear of judgement or punishment. Remain composed when they confide in you because anger or shock could make them clam up.
WHAT IF MY CHILD IS A VICTIM?
It isn't easy, but you must stay calm if your child reveals they've been hurt or abused.
- Believe your child and validate them. Assure them it's not their fault and that you're there to provide support and protection, Schouwink says. "Children can be traumatised when their disclosures are met with disbelief or blame."
- Seek professional help. A psychologist or trauma counsellor can guide you and your child.
- Report the abuse. "This may involve contacting the police, child protective services or a dedicated helpline for child abuse," Schouwink says.
EXTRA SOURCES:NEWS24.COM, TIMESLIVE.CO.ZA, IOL.CO.ZA, JUSTICE.GOV.ZA, SAPS.GOV.ZA
