It's the singleton's refrain: "Where do people meet people?"
On the face of things, it seems like a really strange question to ask. People are everywhere. But at the same time they're really not, are they?
We live circumscribed lives, especially in the current pandemic. So when people say you shouldn't date people you work with then, really, where should people meet people?
For many, work is a good place to meet - even if you did not set out with the intention to fall in love with a colleague. Chemistry can sizzle here, whether in real life or online.
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We all know of a couple that work well together, professionally, and are also love goals.
For example, Melinda and Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were templates for how you can be in a great romantic relationship and also work well professionally with your partner. But now, with their recent split-ups, those who believe the only type of partners one should have in the workplace are business partners (or junior or senior partners) seem vindicated.
Indeed, common wisdom tells us working with a person with whom you're personally involved presents the risk of summarily losing both your love life and work life when things sour. Neither work nor home are refuges when dealing with the after-effects of the relationship's ending.
This is why so many working professionals try to steer clear of office romance, fearing the thought of their personal lives becoming fodder for office gossip or the professional repercussions of an ugly breakup. This thinking, though, is the kind of risk aversion that makes some people afraid to date at all. But living a life driven by the fear of "what if things end?" is a tragedy and possibly one of the strongest arguments for dating the people you work with.
Untangling our thinking about office romance
"I don't think it's a bad idea," says Motsei Masilo. "I really don't, because employees at work are human beings, and they are humans who just happen to work together. I've even observed two or three successful relationship which developed at work."
Motsei, a management doctoral candidate with a background in psychology and human resources, has spent years in HR, labour transformation, people and change management, so she's seen the full spectrum of relationships and partnerships in the workplace. And, according to her, it's natural for some people to find love at work because it's the one place where we spend so much time with others that emotional intimacy can easily occur.
"We spend a lot of time with our colleagues, about eight hours working closely together every day, and in some cases we may discover that we have a lot in common, leading to feelings developing."
There's nothing wrong with this the Botho Prime Consulting founder and director says, as long as there's consent and there is no abuse, harassment or exploitation.
If it's consensual and above board, should the intern date the boss?
What about young people at the beginning of their careers being entangled in office romances? Isn't it just bad optically? Moreover, we live in a patriarchal society and it's easy for women professionals to either be victimised or labelled like Monica Lewinsky.
"I have seen young couple who met at work go on to get married," says Motsei, adding that these consensual relationships between unattached adults only get inappropriate or difficult because of reporting lines, and this is why many employers have very clear policies about romantic relationships at work.
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For instance, she says, there are companies that require that where one partner is promoted to a more senior position in which there may be a perception among other employees that there could be favouritism, then the other partner must leave the company or join another department.
The reasoning for these policies is clear. The optics can be questionable for one.
"If you're seeing a person who is in a position to decide on your career - be it in terms of evaluating your performance, deciding on your progress or any other decision about you, it is better to avoid a romantic relationship," Tebogo Monyamane, a Johannesburg- based psychologist, told Move.
"You have to respect the workplace policy, especially if it spells out the guidelines regarding the circumstances in which they permit workplace relationships.
"And remember, workplace relationships present unique challenges, like maintaining a professional relationship at work, no matter what is going on after hours, and managing the perceptions of your co-workers."
Ultimately, it's about professionalism and honouring your own personal values.
Discretion and professionalism are vital
"There are couples that, if nobody told you, you wouldn't know that they are in a relationship or married," says Motsei. So maturity also plays a role in making things less uncomfortable for other colleagues. "You don't always have to be holding hands, for example."
The HR professional has worked in companies locally and internationally where - especially when people worked in different departments or divisions - their personal relationship with each other was not an issue.
In a company she worked for in Switzerland, for instance, it was more common for couples to be working there than not. "Usually in different departments," says Motsei, adding that even their grown kids would end up working with their parents there too.
Working together as colleagues is different to being business co-owners
Motsei gives the example of how colleagues often confide in each other or vent about the boss and how the dynamic changes if (or once) your partner is in a more senior position. "It may be uncomfortable for other people who are in the same position as you as subordinates," she says, because they may no longer feel at ease to speak freely about the boss with you around.
This is also an issue when it comes to performance issues. Whether one romantic partner deserves a raise or performance bonus may, because of reporting lines, be viewed through the lens of your romantic relationship, discrediting discussions about merit. If you are running a business together, the conversation tends to move away completely from favouritism where couples are concerned though.
"Great relationships double our joy and halve our sorrows," the saying goes and this may be true of lovers who partner together in business.
"Working with your spouse provides the added benefit of having your biggest fan by your side every day," notes mental health and careers writer Lisa Evans in Fast Company.
"This becomes especially important when navigating difficult seasons in business, but is also made sweeter when you get to celebrate a success."
