QUESTION
I've been with my man and father of my twochildren for almost five years but I can't trust him. He's cheated on me somany times and I keep forgiving him - but I've never actually trusted himagain.
As a result of these trust issues, I'm insecurein our relationship. When he goes out with his friends, I worry that he mightbe lying and really going to his nyatsis.
How do I overcome these trust issues? Whyis trust important in a relationship and how can we, as a couple, work aroundthe issue so that I don't feel so insecure? WORRIED WIFE
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MOVE! EXPERT ADVICE
While cheating in a relationship is universallyseen as a negative, the question of what to do when your partner's been unfaithfulis a tough one. It's always easy to say what to do in the abstract, like manywho'd say drop him like a bad habit.
Or some may even say stand by him, forgiveand forget. But when it's your relationship, suddenly what seems clear-cut andsimple becomes a lot more complicated. However, if you both decide to give therelationship another chance, it's important that you both be all in. As such,we advise as follows:
TRUST AND HONESTY
If your man truly wants to save the relationship,he'll have to opt for rigorous honesty, and commit to a path of trustrestoration. And no, trust is not automatically restored simply because he saysthe infidelity has stopped. Trust is regained through consistent and sometimes emotionallypainful truth-telling and accountability.
Basically, he must commit to living differentlyand abiding within certain boundaries, the most important being ongoing,rigorous honesty about absolutely everything, all the time. He needs to startto fearlessly tell the truth no matter what, even when he knows it might upsetyou.
DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't meanwhat he did is fine, nor does it mean that you are fine with it. How much youtrust your partner is partly about what he does, and partly a function ofwhether you have confidence to handle it if he disappoints you again.
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Ultimately, it's about how much you trustyourself. The sobering reality of forgiveness is realizing that you'reforgiving an imperfect person. There are no guarantees that he won't do itagain or won't find more cunning ways of cheating so that you won't find out.
Or if you were to leave him, there's alsono guarantee that you'll meet someone who won't cheat on you. Fact is, ourimperfect nature makes all of us susceptible to cheating. The only way todetermine if you're ready to trust again is to honestly assess if you'd be ableto handle it if he were to cheat on you again.
If you both decide to reconcile, the processwill demand that he cooperate with any measures you agree to put in place to makeit difficult for him to cheat again.
If there's disagreement in this regard, notonly will it be difficult - more likely near impossible - for you to risk beingvulnerabe and trust again, but reconciliation won't be achieved. If this is thecase, then there comes a point where you will have to draw a line and say,"This is it. I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I'm withdrawing my feelings andemotions from this relationship. You can do whatever you want with your life,but I won't be part of it. I won't live like this anymore, ever."
MAKE YOUR MOVE
Be honest about whether you really want toput this behind you. Or is there a payoff you get by letting the situation dragon with indecision? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partnerto a life sentence of guilt even if he is sincere, genuinely apologetic and hastaken positive and realistic steps to reconcile and rebuild trust?
It's unfair to claim that you've forgivenhim and continue with the relationship, but keep throwing the cheating in hisface. You need to take your time healing before you embark on the process of reconciliation,otherwise you'll eventually run him away.
Ask yourself if this is going to be a lifesentence for him. What will it take for you to forgive him, heal and moveforward? Have you communicated what you want from him, and is he doing everythinghe can to show you that he is willing to put in the hard work?
It's not fair on either of you to remain ina relationship where your genuinely repentant partner is slapped with his mistakesall the time, or that you stay in a relationship that is toxic and one you shouldclearly get rid of.
