- Intimacy is about far more than penetration; routine quietly kills desire.
- There are body awareness and touch practices Nomcebo Mthembu says couples ignore at their own risk.
- Simple, intentional acts can revive connection in long-term relationships.
As people reset their lives at the start of the year, focusing intently on health goals, financial planning and achieving better work-life balance, sex is often quietly pushed to the margins of their wellness priorities.
Yet according to sexologist Dr Nomcebo Mthembu, intimacy should be treated as a core component of wellbeing, not merely an optional afterthought.
Mthembu is a prominent South African medical doctor, sexologist, holistic wellness practitioner, cultural activist and media personality who has built her reputation working at the complex intersection of health, sexuality, culture and social wellbeing.
Her approach challenges conventional thinking about where sexual health fits within our overall wellness framework.
“Sex is not a luxury,” she emphasises.
It is an important way to release stress, connect with yourself and, where relevant, with your partner.
— Nomcebo Mthembu
Mthembu, who has become known for courageously addressing the intimate topics that many couples tend to avoid or postpone, argues that unresolved issues around intimacy are often what quietly erode relationships over time. Rather than being a secondary concern to address “when everything else is sorted,” she advocates for treating sexual wellness as foundational to both individual and relational health.
This perspective suggests that as we craft our New Year resolutions and wellness goals, incorporating intentional focus on intimacy and sexual health could be just as important as our commitments to exercise regularly or eat better. The question becomes not whether we can afford to prioritise our sexual wellbeing, but whether we can afford not to.
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1. Pay attention to your body, including hygiene
One of the most overlooked aspects of intimacy, Mthembu says, is body awareness.
Changes in smell, for example, should not be ignored or normalised.
“When something starts smelling off, it usually means something is not right,” she explains.
“Both men and women experience this, and it is often a sign that partners need to pay more attention to hygiene, urinating after sex and bathing.”
She says these conversations are uncomfortable but necessary if couples want healthy, lasting intimacy.
2. Understand how attraction changes over time
Mthembu says people are often confused when attraction shifts in long-term relationships or marriage. Small irritations can grow into resentment if they are not addressed.
“Sometimes couples fight about things that are actually fixable,” she says. “It’s not always that the partner is the problem; it’s unspoken needs, stress or a lack of connection.”
She encourages couples to reflect on what first attracted them to each other and how emotional and physical closeness has changed over time.
3. Revive touch beyond routine sex
According to Mthembu, many couples stop touching each other outside of penetrative sex the longer they are together.
“Love is about connection,” she says.
“Your partner must know where and how to touch you, and that knowledge needs to be refreshed,” says Mthembu.
She warned that repetitive routines can kill desire.
The same old pattern becomes boring. You need to add new forms of touch and stimulation.
— Nomcebo Mthembu
4. Redefine intimacy beyond penetration
Mthembu is firm that intimacy is not defined by how long sex lasts, how hard it is or whether penetration happens.
“The body is both a sanctuary and a playground,” she says.
“There is so much more to intimacy than penetration.”
She encourages couples to focus on relaxation and presence before any sexual activity begins.
5. Learn to relax the body before arousal
One of Mthembu’s key teachings is body relaxation as the foundation of pleasure. She recommends starting with simple breathing exercises.
“Close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, at least five times, at your own rhythm,” she explains.
“Relax your shoulders as you breathe.”
She said that by the fifth breath, the body is calmer and more receptive. “This practice teaches you to know your body and prepare it for pleasure.”
She also encourages gentle self-touch from the forehead, across the face, down the jawline and neck while breathing slowly.
“This creates awareness and awakens sensation.”
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6. Create a ‘pleasure map’ for your partner
Mthembu says romance does not require money.
“It’s about intention,” she explains.
A message, a compliment or even a small chocolate can make your partner feel seen.
— Nomcebo Mthembu
She describes the pleasure map as the entire body, from head to toe, and stresses that consent is essential.
“Behind the ear is a powerful area; it releases stress and awakens feeling,” she says.
“But you must know your partner. Some men, especially traditional ones, may feel uncomfortable being touched on the head.”
She adds that simple acts like kissing the ear, lowering your voice, whispering kind words or gently massaging a partner’s back while they work can restore intimacy and reduce stress.
“Romance must survive the bills, the stress and the years together,” says Mthembu.
“If you don’t nurture it, it fades.”
